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Top Tips....
A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from going
back to sleep.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else
to hold them while you chop away.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people
as they walk up the aisle.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you
can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up
liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a
bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating
into it, before jumping in.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a
handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two
bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following
morning; having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what you
want to look at.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes
again.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger
in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or
death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in
the first place.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive
vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by
running a bit slower.
Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one
of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal.
Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes
exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made
aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for
a nice steak.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the
stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing
machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons
first, then reading the rest in a random order.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus
reducing the pressure in your veins.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking
half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way
up one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a
bowl of iron fillings.
Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your
hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your
house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the
night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description.
Watch their faces in the morning!
Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but
you'll also be getting paid for it. | |
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